Handshoes & Horsegrenades

Why is everyone playing bean bag toss instead of horseshoes? Bean bag toss is for 4th graders. Horseshoes is for men. Real men. Men who drink whiskey without sugary mixers or cola chasers. Everywhere I turn is some fratboy asshole with a can of Keystone Light, a backwards hat and a couple of pieces of painted plywood his dumbass shelled out about $150 for. If you want to play a clearly inferior and childish game, at least take the fuckin’ time to rip a couple pieces of 1/4″ plywood and spraypaint it yourself. Save yourself $100 and buy some decent beer. In bottles.

Some argue that the portability of the bean bag game makes it better, but I have trouble following that logic. Any decent horseshoe set comes in a pretty goddamn portable case…and even the old hand-me-down set you got from Aunt Marlene that doesn’t have a case will at least fit in a small duffel bag or backpack. All you need is 40 feet of grass or dirt…something that is not too hard to come by. Sure, you can set up a bean bag toss game on cement…but can you carry your big heavy bean bag creations a few blocks to a summertime bbq? I’d say not…probably better off with a pick up.

Furthermore, you need plenty of room to store your big wooden eyesores…or risk leaving them out in the elements where they will warp, crack, peel and be urinated on by wild animals. Horseshoe set? Easy cleanup and storage. Pack it up in the case and stick it in your garage or closet or keep it in the trunk of your car, where you can have impromptu games at impromptu gatherings.

Trust me. Horseshoes is the pinnacle of backyard games, rivaled only by bocce. Fix yourself a something on the rocks or grab a nice cold bottle of your favorite refreshing summer beer, grab an extension cord and throw something chill on your boombox (I suggest early 90’s hip hop or perhaps the WAR Anthology) and let the clanging begin.

Remember…stickers are worth a half point.