Rob Zombie’s Halloween

It is time to discuss the elephant in the room.

Heavy metal music and horror movie maven Rob Zombie has remade one of the greatest horror films of all time, John Carpenter’s Halloween. Originally released in 1978, Halloween is the story of Michael Myers, a psychopath who was institutionalized at the age of 6 after he brutally stabbed his sister (she was shirtless at the time) on Halloween night in the sleepy town of Haddonfield, IL. Fifteen years later he escapes from his institution and returns to his hometown to kill more people on…you guessed it…Halloween night. The movie spawned an entire franchise of sequels (most of which are completely unwatchable) but the first one has stood the test of time and remains near the top of my personal list of favorite horror movies, so it filled me mostly with trepidation when I heard the news of a remake.

Halloween will be the third full length feature film directed by Rob Zombie, and given the combination of the original’s status as a classic of the genre and the mixed reviews of Zombie’s first two films, I think it was quite an ambitious project for him to set his sights on. While John Carpenter is not associated officially with the remake, he and Zombie are close friends and Carpenter has given his blessing to the project, telling Zombe to “…just make it your own.” (The following link is to the John Carpenter interview with the cited quote, but it is at SuicideGirls.com, so I would not click if you are at work, school or anywhere else that your internet traffic is monitored. NSFW.)

Finally, some quality television programming!

I do not watch much tv because, on par, it is all crap. Gilmore Girls had a nice run, but it came to an abrupt end not too long ago, after which there were only 3 shows I had any interest in, those being Late Night with Conan O’Brien, Mythbusters and Good Eats. With the baby I have been home more often and parked in front of the tv more often, and to my surprise I have found a handful of new shows which are breaking the mold of mundane crap being squeezed forth from the ass of television networks the world around.

I have complicated feelings about Rachel Ray.

First and foremost, she annoys me perhaps more than any other person on television. I simply cannot tolerate more than a few minutes of her. I am all for people being happy, but she seriously needs to chill the fuck out, and she seriously needs to stop using those stupid fucking cutesy words like “delish, yummo and stoup.” Stoup is the most glaring offense, in my mind. She tells us that it is a dish thicker than a soup and thinner than a stew. Just fucking pick one. I have had 2 of her “stoups,” and…guess what…they’re just fucking soups. Neither is anything like a stew. STOP SAYING STOUP.

Also, quit trying to carry 100 things at a time. Your cabinets and not far from your counter at all. You can turn around and grab things as you need them. I get the whole shtick, you are in a hurry. You do everything fast because you are over-caffeinated and hyper. It’s not funny. It is dumb. It’s one thing to save yourself an extra trip from the car or from the basement to get supplies…you are 3 feet away. It’s dumb.

Her porno-like overreactions of when she tastes something she likes (no matter if she cooked it or not) also need to go. You cannot possibly like food that much.

What complicates all of this for me is that, although her television shows and radio commercials annoy me to no end, her recipes are actually not bad. We have made a few of her soups and the results have been tasty. I am not one of those people who thinks she is revolutionizing cooking. She is not a chef. I know that, and I don’t care. Not everyone needs a fancy degree to cook well…but goddamn I wish she were less annoying and perky…and less stupid and airheaded and flaky so I could actually like her or enjoy her show.

I just wish the Food Network would devote the time and resources they give to Rachel Ray to Mr. Alton Brown. Why can’t he have 5 or 6 programs on everyday?

This is of the UTMOST IMPORTANCE.

Rambo 4 trailer.

10 Music Videos

For your viewing and listening pleasure.

War - Low Rider

Focus - Answers? Questions! Questions? Answers!

Gentle Giant - On Reflection

King Crimson - Lark’s Tongue In Aspic Part 1

Atomic Rooster - Devil’s Answer

Grand Funk Railroad - Heartbreaker

Uriah Heep - July Morning

Jethro Tull - My Sunday Feeling

Yes - Roundabout

Emerson, Lake & Palmer - Knife Edge

One Paragraph Movie Reviews

300
I had the pleasure of seeing this in the theater opening weekend, something neither Wifey or I get to do much anymore. 300 is a bloody good time full of homoerotic violence, heteroerotic sex, sweaty abdominal muscles and a smattering of silly, eye-roll inducing dialogue. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. Plenty of quality kills, particularly if you like decapitations. The whole movie is gorgeous and the overwhelming use of green screen is not noticable at all…at least not to my untrained eye. It is the story of an epic battle between the forces of Persia and the extremely outnumbered Greeks, lead by King Leonidas. This movie makes up for being slightly contrived by being over-the-top brutal and violent and awesome.

An extremely flamboyant King Xerxes gives the extremely manly King Leonidas a shoulder massage.

3 1/2 out of 5 stabs.

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The Prestige
I really enjoyed this movie. A lot. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it, as a matter of fact. The story of one-upmanship between two English magicians back in the day (I’m not sure what day…back in the days of top hats and no cars). It twists and turns in upon itself like a set of small intestines. Skipping back and forth in time and between characters, but the changes in setting and tempo do not interrupt the flow or story at all. Hugh Jackman, who I do not really care for, turns in a pretty damned good performance. Christian Bale (sans ridiculous Batman voice) is solid, as always, and there is wonderful little casting decision involving a mildly androgynous British pop-star of the 70s and 80s. As with most movies nowadays, they go overboard to explain everything at the end, leaving nothing up to your imagination, but not in a way that is too insulting to your intelligence. I definitely recommend this movie to anyone who has a few hours to kill and some popcorn to pop.

Christian Bale is hot.

3 1/2 out of 5 squished doves.

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Rocky Balboa
Movie was good, despite presence of Skip Bayless and Max Kellerman.

Sly is old and his body is icky to look at. Still tough as nails, though.

3 out of 5 completely incomprehensible words.

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The Good Shepherd
I thought this movie looked and sounded fantastic, because I am a nerd. The fact that I am a nerd also makes me wish they had cut the entire silly love yarn between Matt Damon and Angelina Jolie out of it. I wanted more men in non-descript trench coats speaking quietly in code and less “Oh look at what all this awesome espionage and murder has done to my poor family life” bullcrap. I am sure that comes off as the typical “guy-hating-love-stories” opinion…but that is not the case. I like a good love story…the operative word in that sentence being ‘good.’ The relationship between Jolie and Damon is forced and ill-fitting. This movie also jumps around in time a lot and it becomes hard to keep track of. Makes it difficult to keep track of what is in the past and what is in the present. Slow and plodding, this movie never really grabs hold of you and demands your attention.

Matt Damon and Angelina Jolie detract from all the cool secrets with pappy cornball love crap.

2 out of 5 fedoras.

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Casino Royale
First off, let me declare that I am not a Bondphile. My love for James Bond stems from hours of playing Goldeneye on N64 and not from the storied lineage of movies. To be completely honest…this may very well be the first Bond movie I have seen from start to finish in one sitting…so I am not writing this in regards to how it rates in the 007 franchise. I am just writing this in regards to how it rates as a movie, and just as a regular old movie, I would say this was pretty damn fun. Firstly, it starts with an amazing foot chase. Those freestyle walkers…man…they’re something else. Hot cars and hot girls are everpresent, of course, and Daniel Craig’s version of Bond seems to get by mostly by instinct and toughness, only relying on one large, completely ridiculous Bond gadget (hidden in the glovebox of his sweet ride). The poker scene is this movie is meh, but I am completely splitting hairs about that. There is a Chris Cornell song in the opening credits. By and large this is a fairly typical action movie with explosions and chasing and guns and money and sex and stuff. It’s fun.

James Bond will shoost you.

3 out of 5 garnish olives.