Halfway Home Report: Chicago White Sox

With the All Star Break coming to an end, it is a good time to size up the two teams in this town. To review the first half and to preview the second. Currently, my time on the internet has been limited, and my time for this blog has been devoted to a large post I hope to have done in the next week or so that is political in nature, so I decided to ask a couple friends to handle the task of the Cubs and Sox posts.

Today I give you the 2007 Chicago White Sox according to my friend Valerie Olson. Val is a lifelong Sox fan and gave me a nice write up about her favorite team. I particularly appreciate the job she did because it is angsty enough to be from a true White Sox fan, but not the crazy, nonsensical silliness you often otherwise encounter from the stereotypical south sider.

Click the link below to read her thoughts. All of my “insights” will be noted in italics.

Ahh, the 2007 White Sox or as my uncle has taken to calling them, the White Sucks. This is a team that was supposed to be contending in what most people call the toughest division in baseball. In reality, this is a team that is currently just two games ahead of the Kansas City Royals and has the 2nd fewest runs scored in all of baseball, ahead of the Nationals.

As a full disclosure, I am not going to talk about the Management. My mom trained me well, and I’ve got nothing nice to say. Also, I am not much of a stat person. I get bored reading anything that has more numbers than words on a page, so I won’t write something like that. The way I see it, there are bigger problems with this team than Jermaine Dye’s OPS being in the toilet… like the almost complete lack of single guys on this team that I could someday marry. So, let’s jump right in and start tearing this shit apart.

The Bullpen – Honestly, there are a lot of single guys in the bullpen, but most of them are still wearing diapers and they probably aren’t going to have long careers if their pitching is indicative of anything. It seems like it’s the married guys that are doing the best, so MacDougal better use an off day to head out to Vegas if he doesn’t want to get sent down again when he comes off the DL (Mike, if you read this please contact the man who runs this site for my phone number, I’m available).

town. To review the first half and to preview the second. Currently, my time on the internet has been limited, and my time for this blog has been devoted to a large post I hope to have done in the next week or so that is political in nature, so I decided to ask a couple friends to handle the task of the Cubs and Sox posts.

Today I give you the 2007 Chicago White Sox according to my friend Valerie Olson. Val is a lifelong Sox fan and gave me a nice write up about her favorite team. I particularly appreciate the job she did because it is angsty enough to be from a true White Sox fan, but not the crazy, nonsensical silliness you often otherwise encounter from the stereotypical south sider.

Click the link below to read her thoughts. All of my “insights” will be noted in italics.

Ahh, the 2007 White Sox or as my uncle has taken to calling them, the White Sucks. This is a team that was supposed to be contending in what most people call the toughest division in baseball. In reality, this is a team that is currently just two games ahead of the Kansas City Royals and has the 2nd fewest runs scored in all of baseball, ahead of the Nationals.

As a full disclosure, I am not going to talk about the Management. My mom trained me well, and I’ve got nothing nice to say. Also, I am not much of a stat person. I get bored reading anything that has more numbers than words on a page, so I won’t write something like that. The way I see it, there are bigger problems with this team than Jermaine Dye’s OPS being in the toilet… like the almost complete lack of single guys on this team that I could someday marry. So, let’s jump right in and start tearing this shit apart.

Starting Five – After a shaky (like an earthquake!) start, the starting pitching has really turned around. Vazquez and Buerhle are studs and I’m glad they’ll hopefully be around for the next few years. Their wives are lucky women, especially Mrs. Javy her husband is a total dreamboat!

I can’t really complain too much about their single counterparts, aside from a few rocky starts Garland and Danks have done pretty well. Danks is only 22 and when I was that age I was so drunk most days that I didn’t know where I was, so I think it’s amazing that he manages to find the pitching mound and not puke on the rosin bag. Garland may actually be a reliable pitcher, but when he has a bad day records are set. He better propose to that softball player he’s been dating forever or dump her and give the rest of us single girls a chance!

Opps! I almost forgot about Contreras … what can I say? He’s married so theoretically he should be doing much better. Maybe it’s an abusive relationship. Honestly, I think most of his problems this year have a lot to do with him filling out his birth certificate in pencil (and printed on papyrus).

Positions Players – Most people would have divided this up between the bench and the starters, but with all the injuries this year and the way Ozzie uses his bench there really isn’t much of a difference. Also, here is where my married = good concept flies out the window. There are a grand total of 5 known single position players on the roster and 2 of them are in Charlotte right now. That means there are a whole lot of married guys who are not living up to their potential. Not that the single guys are doing any better, but at least they’re available.

Those fireworks that go off to start the game may as well be bombs with all the injuries in the outfield. Pods has spent more time on the DL than playing. The Grindiest Man on Earth somehow managed to sprain his ankle while not running and then sprained it again making a diving catch the day he came off the DL. Jermaine Dye looked slow in the right field long before he had that fluid drained from his knee and sat out for a week. Who would have guessed that an aging, injury prone outfield wouldn’t make it through the season? Me, that’s who! I’ve been angry since the day Kenny Williams re-signed Pods and I renamed my voodoo doll Kenny the day he signed Ersty.

Terrero and Gonzalez are okay for now, but they’re like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound. They’re nice bench players, but they’ve been starting. Thankfully, Ozzie learned his lesson about putting Mackowiak in centerfield, now I wish he would remember that Mack played the infield in Pittsburgh and that Ryan Sweeney and Brian Anderson’s pretty blonde hair and blue eyes would look really good in the outfield with Jerry Owens. I’d rather watch young (single) guys with potential struggle and learn than watch a bunch of has-beens and never-will-bes play like crap.

The only off-season acquisition I was happy about was Toby Hall. I thought he was single, he could hit lefties, and wasn’t completely incompetent behind the plate. Then I found out he was married and he hurt himself playing 1st base. Then I forgot about him as I made fun of Gustavo Molina for having no batting average until the middle of May. Then Hall was back and now he doesn’t hit at all and he doesn’t throw anybody out. It’s not a big deal, as a life-long Sox fan I haven’t had any expectations for catchers since Fisk left the team. AJ is slumping a little, but not as much as some of the other guys and if someday he learns not to swing at the first pitch of every at-bat I’m going to have a very cold afterlife.

The rest of infield isn’t as much of a mess as the outfield, but they aren’t without their problems. Alex Cintron is the only single guy among them and if Ozuna hadn’t broken his leg there would really be no need for him. At least he has some cute dimples to look at while he’s here. Iguchi and Konerko have had their offensive struggles, but they are still fielding their positions decently. Uribe is being Uribe in a not-nearly-as-entertaining-as-Manny way. Everyone knew that Crede should have gotten that surgery done in the offseason, except Crede! Now there’s a rookie at 3rd base and he’s married! And he’s 3 years younger than me! At least he can hit.

So, you want to know what I suggest for the rest of this season? No, well too damn bad!

– Trade Contreras and Dye for whatever you can get for a broken right fielder and a pitcher of indeterminate age who has back and leg problems. Hopefully some relief pitchers who know where the strike zone is.
– If the infield keeps hitting the ball the way they have been in the last two weeks then I don’t see any need for adjustments.
– No one would be stupid enough to take Pods or Ersty, but luckily they hurt themselves enough that combined they’ll probably only play in about 15 more games this year. In the meantime, bring up all those outfield prospects and let them get some regular at bats.

Let’s face it. A lot of teams need to implode for the Sox to have a chance at the post-season, so they may as well use the rest of this season to see if any of those kids down in Charlotte can make it in the Show and I can watch their fine asses scamper around and maybe catch a date!

————

That concludes Val’s thoughts. The following are my own.

The Mark Buehrle signing means it is going to be very expensive for the Sox to fill the positions they need to fill if they have any hopes of contending for a title in 2008. The only possible trade assets they have are starting pitchers Vasquez and Garland, and it would be mighty unwise to blow up the strongest aspect of the team for the sake of two or three marginal major leaguers or x number of prospects. That means Kenny Williams will have to replace his entire outfield, the middle of the infield (and perhaps 3rd base, depending on how Crede recovers from his back surgery) and some desperately needed middle relief entirely through free agency…which is not only difficult, but also risky.

Kenny Williams is assertive and never afraid to make a move, but let’s hope he has something bigger than the return Aaron Rowand up his sleeve.

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About Anthony

Husband of one, father of one. Two cats, one dog, a bike, and some fishing poles. I do nothing well.
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One Response to Halfway Home Report: Chicago White Sox

  1. I’m not a big Rowand fan, but I don’t imagine KW making a move to get a player of even his caliber.

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